Trust, Respect . . . And Beauty - Rev. J.T. Smith

Trust, Respect . . . And Beauty

Both trust and respect should always be earned rather than treated as some form of a door prize to be handed out to anyone who shows up or just happens to be in any kind of position of authority (e.g. parents/elders, teachers, the police/military personnel, any part of the government, the media, et al).  And just as actions speak louder than words, albeit not as often, a person's actions are the best and surest method of determining whether or not they deserve your trust or respect, if ever.  Neither trust nor respect should ever be treated as absolutes unless they have earned either of those; and if anyone should ever abuse you personally or their position of power in general, then that trust and/or respect should be revoked.

In reality, the word "respect" gets thrown around far too readily and nearly everyone seems to demand it these days.  We're told that everyone deserves respect at all times.  The fact is that people erroneously use the term "respect" when they should be using the phrase "common courtesy."  In his article "Command, Don't Demand Respect: Giving Respect Without Feeling It Inside Is Pretentious. Insisting On Such Respect Is False Pride," Manoj Khatri said: "All around us, we see people demanding/giving respect for all the wrong reasons.  In your family, respect your elders whether or not they deserve it.  At school/college, respect your teachers, doesn't matter if they can't teach anything.  At work, respect your seniors, regardless of how competent they are."

As stated earlier, respect, like trust, needs to be earned rather than simply given or expected.  While it has been said that respect is neither imposed nor begged, it's earned and offered, it has also been rightly observed that if you have to demand respect then you don't deserve it.  Even though at the end of the day you will never get to determine or decide how or when, if ever, anyone respects or trusts you, it is you who should be the one to decide who you respect and/or trust and by what individual criteria you use to determine who, when, and how anyone earns either from you.  And we should all be working to earn that trust or respect if we desire it from others.

Bear in mind also that trust and respect are not mutually inclusive.  While you can trust that a peer may do their duties to the best of their ability, it doesn't automatically mean that you do or should respect them as their other actions towards you or others might not warrant it.  Conversely, while you obviously won't trust an enemy, you might still respect them for their cunning, skill, or some other attribute that you find worthy of respect.

How does the concept of beauty fit into all of this?  We're essentially told by the media who we should find beautiful or that somehow beauty is a valid method for automatic judgment of a person.  The reality is that beauty is simply a combination of qualities (e.g. shape, colour, or form) that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially sight.  Sadly, the media (which in terms of determining "beauty" seems to be the accepted "authority" on the subject, an authority it doesn't deserve in reality as beauty is a subjective matter of opinion and we should be capable of making up our own minds based on our own individual aesthetic) continually focuses myopically on women's appearance while focusing on nearly every other attribute of men.  While the apparent majority of media will do this, it doesn't mean that everyone does. 

Since a person's physical appearance is the first thing we see when we look at a person and quite often it's the only part of a person we will ever be able to "interact" with on any level, particularly in terms of celebrities, we'll often say (even if only in our own minds) or post online "so-and-so is beautiful/sexy/pretty/hot/etc." when we see someone whose features or attributes fit within our personal aesthetic; and that action may seem shallow to others observing.  Of course, some people are simply that shallow.  Mind you, those statements aren't limited solely to stated observations by males. 

But that physical appearance neither determines nor denotes either intelligence or personality.  How can anyone ascertain another person's intelligence unless we're able to interact, most often talk, with them?  At that we usually base our conclusions about a person's intelligence far more on the way that person speaks rather than on how they look.  As for personality, once we encounter it, it will for many of us adjust how we see that person, either augmenting or diminishing their "beauty" in our eyes. 

Whereas we have to earn the respect and trust of others, we cannot earn beauty.  That said, like trust and respect, no one else can decide or determine for us who or what we find beautiful.  And though we have the absolute right to think of ourselves as beautiful in whatever form or capacity, and we should never let others determine how we perceive ourselves, we simply can't force or expect others to agree with our sense of aesthetic.  Beauty is an opinion, but it is our own opinion.

by Rev. J.T. Smith

Dealing With Offense (Updated) - Rev. J.T. Smith

I initially wrote the following in February 2015 as an article for the Wellspring Clubhouse's newsletter, which was published.  On December 4, 2016, upon starting this blog (which I admit I need to post to more often), I posted this article as the inaugural article, with a graphic attached so I could post it to my Pinterest page. 

Having attended a training regarding "recovery language" and the words/phrases that are now considered "offensive" on 11/22/19, it strikes me as apropos to share it with you, though updated slightly as a result of/response to that training.  [This article, with the exceptions of a direct quote used in the article and the graphics at the end, is solely me.  And the coarse language found in the primary quote is in fact a direct quote.  I do not expect anyone to agree with me.  As the title of my blog says, this is Food For Thought.]

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No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try for otherwise, either you will offend someone or they will offend you.  It’s simply a part of this thing we call life.  There is one thing to realize and remember: The only way you can be offended is if you choose to be offended.

Ultimately, the best way to deal with it is to surprise everyone and choose to not be offended.  Ask yourself why the person is in any way important to you specifically.  Also remember that others won’t necessarily share your viewpoint.  Sometimes, their view will be both negative to your way of thinking and will seem to be narrow-minded and inflexible.  Deciding to be offended will only succeed in giving you extra unneeded “baggage” that will only adversely affect *you*.  You do better to decide to not be offended, try to at least see where their point is coming from, explain your point of view (i.e. have something of a conversation about it), and if you can’t come to a consensus then at most mentally conclude that they’re an idiot and then just go on with your life.

Now there's a movement to change recovery language so as to be "patient first" in an attempt to thwart stigma.  On the surface this sounds noble as fighting and ending stigma is absolutely needed.  Unfortunately, it's focusing on the wrong problem in that it isn't the words "autistic," "autism," "drug addiction," "mental illness," or any of the other related words/terms that are the cause of or carry the stigma; it's the conditions themselves to which those words/terms refer.  Language is reflective of the culture that spawned it.  One anthropological fact is that language follows culture, not the other way around. 

The fact of the matter is that *any* word, phrase, or terminology can be turned into a pejorative regardless of how innocent that word, phrase, or terminology is, just as anything said can become sexualized even when the word/phrase isn't sexual in and of itself.

At the end of the 20th century and the beginning of the 21st, it was decided to refer to people with various physical/mental health issues as "special" as it was considered a positive and affirming word.  We no longer say "special" because it quickly became a pejorative term.  And in an effort to thwart the use medical terms in the mental health realm, the terms have become more complex; the result has been an increase of the phrase "I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce" as an insult.

In another aspect regarding the fallacy of thinking being "offended" is a useful reaction, an example: While I was still a member of the Wellspring Clubhouse, I was in a conversation with a female friend, and while I don't recall the topic I do remember we were in agreement.  Shortly thereafter in the same day, I was in the library/computer room having a similar conversation with a male acquaintance about the same topic.  While I was describing the prior conversation (without identifying the woman I'd been speaking to due to my privacy protocols), with my lead-in being that I agreed with her, another female member came into the room on unrelated business whereupon she heard part of what I was saying.  Without bothering to learn the context of my remarks, she concluded that she was offended by what I was saying and came to the "defense" of my female friend.  The woman was further offended when I pointed out that, because she was coming into the middle of a conversation with no accurate reference points, she had no idea what she was talking about since I was in fact in agreement with my female friend.  Rather than utilizing logic, the woman who still thought she was defending my friend decided to let her emotions rule regardless of the facts.

[See my article: "Check Your -ism by Rev. J.T. Smith" for further examples.]

Regardless of whether it's in an individual setting or a more institutional one (e.g. job, official or professional situation, et al), being offended solves nothing and does not give you nor anyone else any special rights or privileges.  As Stephen Fry once said: “It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.'  As if that gives them certain rights.  It's actually nothing more . . . than a whine.  'I find that offensive.'  It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase.  'I am offended by that.'  Well, so fucking what." [I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]”

Getting and/or being offended solves nothing.  It won’t actually change anything.  Your viewpoints, no matter how well reasoned or even potentially innocent they may be, will still offend someone else.  That’s merely human nature.  Regardless of what far too many people will tell you, you always have a choice (you simply won’t always like the alternatives).  In terms of something, a statement or action that you don’t like for whatever reason, your choices are to be offended or not to be offended.  Make your life so much easier by always choosing to not be offended.

by Rev. J.T. Smith

Cree Proverb

#LetLizSpeak

A Challenge - Rev. J.T. Smith

I already know that I'm not likely to make any friends by this, but that doesn't really matter.

I constantly hear how "American troops are  protecting [my/our] freedoms."  Yet I never hear anything specific about just which freedoms are being directly threatened by foreign powers that are not the result of Americans curtailing their own freedoms.

I challenge any American soldier in any branch of the American armed forces to not only name me a single freedom that any country in the Middle East (or any other nation in the world for that matter) in the last 50 years [i.e. since 1967 as it's now 2017] that has ever been jeopardized, but to also explain IN DETAIL exactly how that freedom was jeopardized!

One thing, the answer must involve direct action(s) on the part of that foreign nation.

This is my challenge to any American soldier who can answer in detail since, other than the media, they're the most vociferous in this claim. 

- Rev. J.T. Smith 

Hey, President Trump,

The Golden Rule